March of Dimes Walk

The March of Dimes walk is approaching and as hard as it can be sometimes, this event really makes me thankful for what I have and what we are able to do to help others. We will be walking again this year to honor and remember Henry and support this wonderful organization. This will be our third year walking and each year, the dynamic and feelings change and it has really become a part of our life that is kind of set. In January, I look up the date and put it on our annual calendar and plan around it for the rest of the year. The first year we walked, it was rainy and dreary and cold. Which was exactly how I felt inside, just 8 months after losing Henry and having gone through another miscarriage just the week before the walk. We didn't even walk the entire way and jumped on the train and went home, but I was glad we did it. Last year, we were joined by close friends and it was an amazing experience. I am actually looking forward to the walk this year and feel good that we can help premature babies and others going through what we went through. It has been therapeutic for us in the last few years since losing Henry and I love that each year, new friends join us and contribute to help make our team honoring Henry a success. Check out our March for Babies page to see more information and join our team or make a donation!

Rainbows

There is a term for babies born after the loss of a baby or child in the babyloss community and that is Rainbow Baby. I heard the perfect explanation of this recently and thought, that is what it means. Here it is and to give credit where it is due, this is from Pregnancy After Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss on Facebook:

‎"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I have really found this to be true with Matthew. He fills my heart with so much joy and love (as does Jack) but I still miss my Henry. When people ask me how many children I have, in my head I saw three but out loud I say two because I don't want to tell complete strangers my story. Both of my boys bring so much light to my life and keep away the clouds most of the time but not a day goes by that I don't think of my sweet Henry and picture him right in the mix of my boys as they are playing or eating or learning something new. My Gran recently passed in November of 2011 and we were very close. I find comfort in her holding Henry in her sweet arms like she has my other two boys here on earth. She is the only person who knows Henry alive and feels him moving like I did and I miss them both so much everyday.

Questions from Jack

I don't know why (perhaps being snowed in due to a blizzard that dumped 21 inches of snow on us) but Jack has been asking more questions about Henry this last week. It has been very emotional for me and even though we talk about Henry openly and have pictures, I am still not sure that Jack fully understands it all or even exactly who Henry was. He asked me recently, "where does Henry live?" like maybe he was around somewhere but we just never saw him like his cousins who live in another state that we don't see all the time. That led to a lot more questions and eventually I think he kind of understood that Henry is in Heaven with Jesus and he also lives in our hearts. But then, even after we talk about it for a couple days, he will say something like, "but who is Henry?" like trying to figure out the relationship again. Then he will spring something almost too emotional for me to handle like out of the blue telling me that Henry lives in his heart. It's been sad but in a way I am glad he is asking these questions and wanting to know and remember Henry because I always want Henry to be a part of our family.

I am now 22 weeks with my current pregnancy and think about Henry a lot, many times a day. I compare it a lot too, like where I am today to where I was this time with Henry. It's a scary time for me because I am close to the point that I lost Henry (24 weeks) and I dwell on all of it a lot and think about this baby even though things are very different this time around. At 22 weeks with Henry, I lost my amniotic fluid and we were adviced to terminate and it was just a heartbreaking moment when for the first time, I realized I would most likely not go very much further with him in our lives here on earth. I asked my dr. to check my fluid on friday with this baby and there is a lot and it all looks good, just the opposite. So, getting through these times has been difficult but hopefully each day and week gets us closer to being able to hold this little boy in our arms.

Neglect

My poor blogs have been very neglected. Not because I don't think about Henry or this blog, sometimes I just can't find the strength or the gumption to do it. It makes me reflect and put it out there and sometimes it just takes too much out of me. However, I thought about it this morning and felt up to it. I left off in July and much has happened since then. In August, on the date that Henry was born, we had a wonderful, special celebration of his life. My parents came to Chicago and we went out to brunch and then went to Lake Michigan and had a balloon release. It was so special and nice. It wa s a beautiful, sunny day and we could see the balloons for such a long time until they were a speck in the sky and disappeared. They went right out over the lake and kept going so far and just looked amazing over the lake and perfect blue sky backdrop. It made me feel good to honor Henry this way and have the people I loved there with me. Of course we got lots of phone calls and emails that day and that made it special too. That day will always be so special to me and now I am starting to try and think of not just how sad I feel about Henry but how lucky I was to have him in my life for the short time that we did. I miss him so much and would change the outcome if I could but I can't and the fact that we had him as long as we did and I was able to deliver him is something I am grateful for. I sent little thoughts up to him all the time and talk to Jack about him and know that he is looking over Jack and this new baby that I am carrying, our little guardian angel. I am attaching some pictures from Henry's birthday.

Upcoming momentous dates....

Carl and I have both been feeling very sad about Henry lately. Last year, when I still had Henry, this was one of the last good weekends before all the bad started happening....At the end of this month we found out he was a little boy and then at the end of August, he was born and we lost him. I know we will get through these hard days but we think of him often and relive all that we went through and the short time that we had with him. We are always thinking of him and missing him, our second little boy that we don't have here with us but in spirit. Jack helps to ease the pain with his wonderful little self and keeps our days full of his precious laughter.

Six months

We made it past the six months mark, which means that now we have been without Henry for longer than we had him. I was dreading that point but like all the "bad" reminders, it has come and gone. Henry is still very much missed and thought about every day. We just took a family trip to Florida and I kept thinking about where he would fit in the mix with Jack and his cousins. There are a lot of "bad" reminders coming up- when I got pregnant with Henry in March, when I found out I was pregnant with him in April and then all of the other milestones. It's still hard for me to understand why I can't have him and why he can't be a part of our lives here on earth. I know God has a reason but that doesn't make me any less sad. I came across a poem that I loved in college (I think Kara may have introduced it to me) and it reminds me of Henry. You may have heard it before:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart and i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Granted e.e. cummings wasn't known for punctuation or capitalizing correctly but this poem expresses somewhat how I feel. Henry is always in my heart and a part of everything although he isn't here with me physically.

Christmas

December has been a rough month- lots of friends and aquantainces having babies and Henry's due date coming and going. Now we are heading to Christmas, our first one without Henry. We have mixed emotions- trying to be celebratory of the holidays for Jack but just feeling sad without Henry. We made it through his due date and really, I am happy to not have it hanging over our heads anymore. It was a very sad day but we made the most of it, Carl worked from home and then we took Jack out for dinner and did a cheers for Henry. Jack loves doing cheers so it was a nice remembrance for him to be a part of. Our OB called last week to see how we were doing, I really am impressed with that practice. I loved them with Jack and with everything that happened with Henry, they have been so kind. I am getting over strep throat and I think we all have a cold now or at least lingerings from past colds. 2009 is a year that I could happily erase so we are looking forward to a fresh start in 2010.