Thursday, July 26, 2012

Time passing...

How does time go so fast? It seems like just yesterday Matthew was born and now his first birthday has come and gone.

I have been thinking about Henry a lot lately because his birthday is approaching and I had a dream about him the other night. I always want to dream about him but it rarely happens. In my dream, I thought he was Jack but when I work up, I realized it was Henry. He was with my Granny and I just felt sad the entire day after I had the dream. That is the hardest part...I want to dream about both of them but it can set the tone for my days if it's a sad dream or if I wake up missing them. I wonder all the time how Henry would fit in our family, what he would look like, how he would play with Jack, if he would be nice to Matthew....all these things that I don't know but wish I did.

Matthew has no idea that Henry even existed yet, although Jack does and we talk about him and include him in our prayers each night. I wonder growing up what Henry will mean to them or when they will fully understand.. I do find so much peace and comfort in helping others who have gone through a similar loss.  Two of my three Grieve Out Loud penpals have now had rainbow babies and it brings joy to hear about them.

While talking to a friend yesterday, she told me about her friend who lost a baby to SIDS and then lost a second baby to a lung problem when they couldn't get a transplant. It's so hard to understand why these things happen and to imagine going through something like losing a child twice and having no baby or toddler to hold at night and be grateful for. When I hear these stories, happy and sad, I just hold my kids tighter and try to be appreciative of every moment, even when they are trying to drive me insane.

After my Gran passed away, I just kept thinking that I felt like my heart was finally healing from losing Henry and then to have it shattered again with her loss. Even though it has been almost three years since we lost our sweet Henry, there are still days where I have to pull myself together and push through down days or sad days. This is my new normal and I think anyone who has suffered a loss will understand how this feels.  Thankfully my boys are good at taking my mind of this and that brightens most days (or at least keeps me from dwelling with their craziness!).

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