Monday, March 8, 2010

Six months

We made it past the six months mark, which means that now we have been without Henry for longer than we had him. I was dreading that point but like all the "bad" reminders, it has come and gone. Henry is still very much missed and thought about every day. We just took a family trip to Florida and I kept thinking about where he would fit in the mix with Jack and his cousins. There are a lot of "bad" reminders coming up- when I got pregnant with Henry in March, when I found out I was pregnant with him in April and then all of the other milestones. It's still hard for me to understand why I can't have him and why he can't be a part of our lives here on earth. I know God has a reason but that doesn't make me any less sad. I came across a poem that I loved in college (I think Kara may have introduced it to me) and it reminds me of Henry. You may have heard it before:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart and i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Granted e.e. cummings wasn't known for punctuation or capitalizing correctly but this poem expresses somewhat how I feel. Henry is always in my heart and a part of everything although he isn't here with me physically.