I don't know why (perhaps being snowed in due to a blizzard that dumped 21 inches of snow on us) but Jack has been asking more questions about Henry this last week. It has been very emotional for me and even though we talk about Henry openly and have pictures, I am still not sure that Jack fully understands it all or even exactly who Henry was. He asked me recently, "where does Henry live?" like maybe he was around somewhere but we just never saw him like his cousins who live in another state that we don't see all the time. That led to a lot more questions and eventually I think he kind of understood that Henry is in Heaven with Jesus and he also lives in our hearts. But then, even after we talk about it for a couple days, he will say something like, "but who is Henry?" like trying to figure out the relationship again. Then he will spring something almost too emotional for me to handle like out of the blue telling me that Henry lives in his heart. It's been sad but in a way I am glad he is asking these questions and wanting to know and remember Henry because I always want Henry to be a part of our family.
I am now 22 weeks with my current pregnancy and think about Henry a lot, many times a day. I compare it a lot too, like where I am today to where I was this time with Henry. It's a scary time for me because I am close to the point that I lost Henry (24 weeks) and I dwell on all of it a lot and think about this baby even though things are very different this time around. At 22 weeks with Henry, I lost my amniotic fluid and we were adviced to terminate and it was just a heartbreaking moment when for the first time, I realized I would most likely not go very much further with him in our lives here on earth. I asked my dr. to check my fluid on friday with this baby and there is a lot and it all looks good, just the opposite. So, getting through these times has been difficult but hopefully each day and week gets us closer to being able to hold this little boy in our arms.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My poor blogs have been very neglected. Not because I don't think about Henry or this blog, sometimes I just can't find the strength or the gumption to do it. It makes me reflect and put it out there and sometimes it just takes too much out of me. However, I thought about it this morning and felt up to it. I left off in July and much has happened since then. In August, on the date that Henry was born, we had a wonderful, special celebration of his life. My parents came to Chicago and we went out to brunch and then went to Lake Michigan and had a balloon release. It was so special and nice. It wa s a beautiful, sunny day and we could see the balloons for such a long time until they were a speck in the sky and disappeared. They went right out over the lake and kept going so far and just looked amazing over the lake and perfect blue sky backdrop. It made me feel good to honor Henry this way and have the people I loved there with me. Of course we got lots of phone calls and emails that day and that made it special too. That day will always be so special to me and now I am starting to try and think of not just how sad I feel about Henry but how lucky I was to have him in my life for the short time that we did. I miss him so much and would change the outcome if I could but I can't and the fact that we had him as long as we did and I was able to deliver him is something I am grateful for. I sent little thoughts up to him all the time and talk to Jack about him and know that he is looking over Jack and this new baby that I am carrying, our little guardian angel. I am attaching some pictures from Henry's birthday.