I don't know why (perhaps being snowed in due to a blizzard that dumped 21 inches of snow on us) but Jack has been asking more questions about Henry this last week. It has been very emotional for me and even though we talk about Henry openly and have pictures, I am still not sure that Jack fully understands it all or even exactly who Henry was. He asked me recently, "where does Henry live?" like maybe he was around somewhere but we just never saw him like his cousins who live in another state that we don't see all the time. That led to a lot more questions and eventually I think he kind of understood that Henry is in Heaven with Jesus and he also lives in our hearts. But then, even after we talk about it for a couple days, he will say something like, "but who is Henry?" like trying to figure out the relationship again. Then he will spring something almost too emotional for me to handle like out of the blue telling me that Henry lives in his heart. It's been sad but in a way I am glad he is asking these questions and wanting to know and remember Henry because I always want Henry to be a part of our family.
I am now 22 weeks with my current pregnancy and think about Henry a lot, many times a day. I compare it a lot too, like where I am today to where I was this time with Henry. It's a scary time for me because I am close to the point that I lost Henry (24 weeks) and I dwell on all of it a lot and think about this baby even though things are very different this time around. At 22 weeks with Henry, I lost my amniotic fluid and we were adviced to terminate and it was just a heartbreaking moment when for the first time, I realized I would most likely not go very much further with him in our lives here on earth. I asked my dr. to check my fluid on friday with this baby and there is a lot and it all looks good, just the opposite. So, getting through these times has been difficult but hopefully each day and week gets us closer to being able to hold this little boy in our arms.
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I completely understand...Carley goes through phases like that too where she wants to hear all about Aubree..She has even asked other pregnant women if their babies are sick..yikes! She reminds me all of the time that she never got to hold Aubree..She also tells me she wants to go see her in Heaven. It is so tough...just hang in there and keep your chin up..this little guy is going to hang on, and he will get to meet his big brother!! Hugs to you..
ReplyDeleteSam, we have the same kinds of questions around here still from the girls--and they're almost 8 & 6. They ask quite frequently about our babies: how old they'd be now, when they'd have been born, why/how we chose their names, if we miss them, if we love them, if we'll ever see them again, if they'll still be babies in Heaven or if they'll have grown, etc. It's very emotional for me still, even after several years and a now 2-year-old. BUT--in these past few years, I've had time to heal and reflect, and I can now look upon these inquiries as a blessing, a way to keep the memory of our five amazing angels alive in our house. Time softens the blow. God's grace heals the soul.
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