tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45817826552665486052024-02-22T04:21:45.336-08:00Life Without HenrySharing our experience about what happened with our second son Henry who was born stillborn on August 28, 2009 at 24.5 weeks gestation and how our life has changed because of him.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-71366672790355523142012-07-26T12:47:00.000-07:002012-07-26T12:47:04.695-07:00Time passing...How does time go so fast? It seems like just yesterday Matthew was born and now his first birthday has come and gone. <br />
<br />
I have been thinking about Henry a lot lately because his birthday is approaching and I had a dream about him the other night. I always want to dream about him but it rarely happens. In my dream, I thought he was Jack but when I work up, I realized it was Henry. He was with my Granny and I just felt sad the entire day after I had the dream. That is the hardest part...I want to dream about both of them but it can set the tone for my days if it's a sad dream or if I wake up missing them. I wonder all the time how Henry would fit in our family, what he would look like, how he would play with Jack, if he would be nice to Matthew....all these things that I don't know but wish I did.<br />
<br />
Matthew has no idea that Henry even existed yet, although Jack does and we talk about him and include him in our prayers each night. I wonder growing up what Henry will mean to them or when they will fully understand.. I do find so much peace and comfort in helping others who have gone through a similar loss. Two of my three Grieve Out Loud penpals have now had rainbow babies and it brings joy to hear about them.<br />
<br />
While talking to a friend yesterday, she told me about her friend who lost a baby to SIDS and then lost a second baby to a lung problem when they couldn't get a transplant. It's so hard to understand why these things happen and to imagine going through something like losing a child twice and having no baby or toddler to hold at night and be grateful for. When I hear these stories, happy and sad, I just hold my kids tighter and try to be appreciative of every moment, even when they are trying to drive me insane.<br />
<br />
After my Gran passed away, I just kept thinking that I felt like my heart was finally healing from losing Henry and then to have it shattered again with her loss. Even though it has been almost three years since we lost our sweet Henry, there are still days where I have to pull myself together and push through down days or sad days. This is my new normal and I think anyone who has suffered a loss will understand how this feels. Thankfully my boys are good at taking my mind of this and that brightens most days (or at least keeps me from dwelling with their craziness!).Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-42774775202130572422012-06-01T06:39:00.001-07:002012-06-01T06:39:36.909-07:00Matthew's First Birthday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjElOipeNifHS4MCS-NRQEv2gUl5INuklW-HVWQ7ZBsSrunmS1ynsMQg7-xz8CDo67QeGI8aeabxB8YdA6bwWoSXpK5E2McXDzfVLj9M5mBGMvznd94Nm1Hj41FEKcZHK6P-XRfdRNs5s0/s1600/IMG_20120523_151849.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjElOipeNifHS4MCS-NRQEv2gUl5INuklW-HVWQ7ZBsSrunmS1ynsMQg7-xz8CDo67QeGI8aeabxB8YdA6bwWoSXpK5E2McXDzfVLj9M5mBGMvznd94Nm1Hj41FEKcZHK6P-XRfdRNs5s0/s320/IMG_20120523_151849.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Matthew (our little rainbow) is almost one year old...it's crazy how fast this year has gone. He is a typical 11-month old- he loves "cruising", throwing food, playing with his big brother and giving kisses with a wet, wide-open mouth. As always, when we reach any milestone, my thoughts drift back to Henry. What kind of a baby or toddler would he have been. Would he have loved Jack just as much as Matthew does and looked at him like he was the most amazing thing in the world? He would be in the midst of his terrible twos right now and I'm sure it would be driving me crazy. Henry is this part of my life that some people don't even know about it. It's odd to think that something so major in my life is unknown to some people I've met and become friends with since it all happened. I can't imagine how hectic my life would be with three little boys or if Matthew would even be here if Henry was. It's hard to wrap my head around sometimes and even though I daydream of three little boys running around and driving me insane, my reality is the two boys I can hold in my arms each night and kiss them and tickle them before bedtime. Their laughter and smiles and kisses and hugs get me through many days and I am thankful for that every minute of every day.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-8960683959163982202012-05-16T12:25:00.001-07:002012-05-16T12:25:24.921-07:00Mother's Day<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic9ILt1MPA8vtThOIyX7dYOFuBAo0RAZ0mLwI8q29B9orIUcbdpWpx3pPrv75phx0-H5hLnR4K_qS5W8GIyO0YIzrOHm-hpkI9qW0EHqsEmUMgD11o_dYOTDm0OlLDSatQiVfijW81Qps/s1600/IMG_20120513_134102.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic9ILt1MPA8vtThOIyX7dYOFuBAo0RAZ0mLwI8q29B9orIUcbdpWpx3pPrv75phx0-H5hLnR4K_qS5W8GIyO0YIzrOHm-hpkI9qW0EHqsEmUMgD11o_dYOTDm0OlLDSatQiVfijW81Qps/s320/IMG_20120513_134102.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At the zoo with my boys on Mother's Day</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Mother's Day is always a hard day for me. I am so in love with being a mom but for some reason, on that day, no matter how happy I am or how enjoyable the day is, my focus is on Henry and how much I miss him and where he would fit in the mix of our family. This year was a double-whammy because I was also missing my beloved Gran so much. I find comfort in them being together but selfishly, I wish they were both still here with me. I am so proud and happy that Henry has touched many lives and his little life has given me (and our family) the opportunity to meet people and help people that I wouldn't have otherwise. Our team raised $2400 for the March of Dimes this year and I know that it will help so many families in our situation or in happier situations where the baby gets to go home in the arms of his or her parents. Mother's Day also makes me feel sad for women who want children but have been unable to have them or the moms out there aching for another child and it is not happening. Henry has been on my mind so much this week and I just miss him every day.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-35729705843436467672012-04-04T12:01:00.002-07:002012-04-04T12:08:14.081-07:00March of Dimes Walk<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBauLZn9GJfehzcwCpTZxt_3TOjR0svm2yDpLIsAi_FrJOeha89tGM_yffT2zNSnKgsW9oGBCEIT-6DbsWv9px89iVYoJbzaNIWnam5fFIC0die2G0jRn8JTODsoKst0W_2VH34CLBgM0/s1600/MOD.jpg"><img style="text-align: center;float: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px; " src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBauLZn9GJfehzcwCpTZxt_3TOjR0svm2yDpLIsAi_FrJOeha89tGM_yffT2zNSnKgsW9oGBCEIT-6DbsWv9px89iVYoJbzaNIWnam5fFIC0die2G0jRn8JTODsoKst0W_2VH34CLBgM0/s200/MOD.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727624421332007010" /></a><br />The March of Dimes walk is approaching and as hard as it can be sometimes, this event really makes me thankful for what I have and what we are able to do to help others. We will be walking again this year to honor and remember Henry and support this wonderful organization. This will be our third year walking and each year, the dynamic and feelings change and it has really become a part of our life that is kind of set. In January, I look up the date and put it on our annual calendar and plan around it for the rest of the year. The first year we walked, it was rainy and dreary and cold. Which was exactly how I felt inside, just 8 months after losing Henry and having gone through another miscarriage just the week before the walk. We didn't even walk the entire way and jumped on the train and went home, but I was glad we did it. Last year, we were joined by close friends and it was an amazing experience. I am actually looking forward to the walk this year and feel good that we can help premature babies and others going through what we went through. It has been therapeutic for us in the last few years since losing Henry and I love that each year, new friends join us and contribute to help make our team honoring Henry a success. Check out our <a href="http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?seid=1700680">March for Babies page</a> to see more information and join our team or make a donation!Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-78137847925707718482012-02-13T14:30:00.001-08:002012-02-13T17:13:29.911-08:00Rainbows<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiawTyn6vxvgIN7ND-5r7nBVBLHqcpSUl6FabMZ6DRzGK4nxMY1kOdTMHNP-Zhw4Om46vBXw6_dCUG7BYIuAaCkHIarFZJOHWFRw2deOtELd4TDpbtyt18dnvDOX-8RRiGnGsSscYbjZE0/s1600/042.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiawTyn6vxvgIN7ND-5r7nBVBLHqcpSUl6FabMZ6DRzGK4nxMY1kOdTMHNP-Zhw4Om46vBXw6_dCUG7BYIuAaCkHIarFZJOHWFRw2deOtELd4TDpbtyt18dnvDOX-8RRiGnGsSscYbjZE0/s200/042.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708792798434942466" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: normal; font-size: 100%; ">There is a term for babies born after the loss of a baby or child in the babyloss community and that is Rainbow Baby. I heard the perfect explanation of this recently and thought, that is what it means. Here it is and to give credit where it is due, this is from Pregnancy After Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss on Facebook:<br /></span><div><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; "><i>"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm.</i></span><i> When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.</i><span style="font-style: normal; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%; "><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">I have really found this to be true with Matthew. He fills my heart with so much joy and love (as does Jack) but I still miss my Henry. When people ask me how many children I have, in my head I saw three but out loud I say two because I don't want to tell complete strangers my story. Both of my boys bring so much light to my life and keep away the clouds most of the time but not a day goes by that I don't think of my sweet Henry and picture him right in the mix of my boys as they are playing or eating or learning something new. My Gran recently passed in November of 2011 and we were very close. I find comfort in her holding Henry in her sweet arms like she has my other two boys here on earth. She is the only person who knows Henry alive and feels him moving like I did and I miss them both so much everyday. </p></div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-41054029375990101322011-02-06T12:26:00.000-08:002011-02-06T12:33:14.752-08:00Questions from JackI don't know why (perhaps being snowed in due to a blizzard that dumped 21 inches of snow on us) but Jack has been asking more questions about Henry this last week. It has been very emotional for me and even though we talk about Henry openly and have pictures, I am still not sure that Jack fully understands it all or even exactly who Henry was. He asked me recently, "where does Henry live?" like maybe he was around somewhere but we just never saw him like his cousins who live in another state that we don't see all the time. That led to a lot more questions and eventually I think he kind of understood that Henry is in Heaven with Jesus and he also lives in our hearts. But then, even after we talk about it for a couple days, he will say something like, "but who is Henry?" like trying to figure out the relationship again. Then he will spring something almost too emotional for me to handle like out of the blue telling me that Henry lives in his heart. It's been sad but in a way I am glad he is asking these questions and wanting to know and remember Henry because I always want Henry to be a part of our family. <br /><br />I am now 22 weeks with my current pregnancy and think about Henry a lot, many times a day. I compare it a lot too, like where I am today to where I was this time with Henry. It's a scary time for me because I am close to the point that I lost Henry (24 weeks) and I dwell on all of it a lot and think about this baby even though things are very different this time around. At 22 weeks with Henry, I lost my amniotic fluid and we were adviced to terminate and it was just a heartbreaking moment when for the first time, I realized I would most likely not go very much further with him in our lives here on earth. I asked my dr. to check my fluid on friday with this baby and there is a lot and it all looks good, just the opposite. So, getting through these times has been difficult but hopefully each day and week gets us closer to being able to hold this little boy in our arms.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-17520377682917543782011-01-16T07:30:00.001-08:002011-01-16T07:43:29.001-08:00Neglect<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBo1aXPoKP3Fgc-fFk6ErLOzNXyCtl1eQkNPo1b-EVPN2nAL9YzFFA5Mp2cc6KJ7gidrMcdtgQteaet7tv9u1RBRi_KmCz6CuvbPIwYb8ePyFEIp0ZZmJJlvRT7uI22lZ-sFrIIIOP42o/s1600/023.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5562809218822238290" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBo1aXPoKP3Fgc-fFk6ErLOzNXyCtl1eQkNPo1b-EVPN2nAL9YzFFA5Mp2cc6KJ7gidrMcdtgQteaet7tv9u1RBRi_KmCz6CuvbPIwYb8ePyFEIp0ZZmJJlvRT7uI22lZ-sFrIIIOP42o/s400/023.JPG" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3GwzBHwXz7HqR4PSNpSTEBMCfjwcun6adp9YxkGWDSID5IrfjPQQx99EtOG0gR5fWiSNl4kZgfPMXIDaftzFyLcbT8GH-w235na2I6izEQ87T7J82h7Nd1SJh_X0gDz1uoVDU6lUfzmE/s1600/012.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 300px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5562809211409804946" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3GwzBHwXz7HqR4PSNpSTEBMCfjwcun6adp9YxkGWDSID5IrfjPQQx99EtOG0gR5fWiSNl4kZgfPMXIDaftzFyLcbT8GH-w235na2I6izEQ87T7J82h7Nd1SJh_X0gDz1uoVDU6lUfzmE/s400/012.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX7dXKnWktxI1qUHhA4jG3yEzP3AlkC3DIajDM3NTpSx26WL1Q4KqYVJ69WYmwBmLJWv8n7t00dowYdo5TQJESeXEjM5gxnIYykpn0V40jv1ThVmGzt2l3T7zWyOgGwsWW0_PXRLChSAc/s1600/009.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 300px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5562809209658155330" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX7dXKnWktxI1qUHhA4jG3yEzP3AlkC3DIajDM3NTpSx26WL1Q4KqYVJ69WYmwBmLJWv8n7t00dowYdo5TQJESeXEjM5gxnIYykpn0V40jv1ThVmGzt2l3T7zWyOgGwsWW0_PXRLChSAc/s400/009.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div>My poor blogs have been very neglected. Not because I don't think about Henry or this blog, sometimes I just can't find the strength or the gumption to do it. It makes me reflect and put it out there and sometimes it just takes too much out of me. However, I thought about it this morning and felt up to it. I left off in July and much has happened since then. In August, on the date that Henry was born, we had a wonderful, special celebration of his life. My parents came to Chicago and we went out to brunch and then went to Lake Michigan and had a balloon release. It was so special and nice. It wa s a beautiful, sunny day and we could see the balloons for such a long time until they were a speck in the sky and disappeared. They went right out over the lake and kept going so far and just looked amazing over the lake and perfect blue sky backdrop. It made me feel good to honor Henry this way and have the people I loved there with me. Of course we got lots of phone calls and emails that day and that made it special too. That day will always be so special to me and now I am starting to try and think of not just how sad I feel about Henry but how lucky I was to have him in my life for the short time that we did. I miss him so much and would change the outcome if I could but I can't and the fact that we had him as long as we did and I was able to deliver him is something I am grateful for. I sent little thoughts up to him all the time and talk to Jack about him and know that he is looking over Jack and this new baby that I am carrying, our little guardian angel. I am attaching some pictures from Henry's birthday. </div></div></div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-1833764053133333312010-07-04T19:01:00.000-07:002010-07-04T19:04:37.982-07:00Upcoming momentous dates....Carl and I have both been feeling very sad about Henry lately. Last year, when I still had Henry, this was one of the last good weekends before all the bad started happening....At the end of this month we found out he was a little boy and then at the end of August, he was born and we lost him. I know we will get through these hard days but we think of him often and relive all that we went through and the short time that we had with him. We are always thinking of him and missing him, our second little boy that we don't have here with us but in spirit. Jack helps to ease the pain with his wonderful little self and keeps our days full of his precious laughter.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-89723694913922558072010-03-08T11:35:00.000-08:002010-03-08T11:45:46.757-08:00Six monthsWe made it past the six months mark, which means that now we have been without Henry for longer than we had him. I was dreading that point but like all the "bad" reminders, it has come and gone. Henry is still very much missed and thought about every day. We just took a family trip to Florida and I kept thinking about where he would fit in the mix with Jack and his cousins. There are a lot of "bad" reminders coming up- when I got pregnant with Henry in March, when I found out I was pregnant with him in April and then all of the other milestones. It's still hard for me to understand why I can't have him and why he can't be a part of our lives here on earth. I know God has a reason but that doesn't make me any less sad. I came across a poem that I loved in college (I think Kara may have introduced it to me) and it reminds me of Henry. You may have heard it before:<br /><br />i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart and i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)<br /><br />Granted e.e. cummings wasn't known for punctuation or capitalizing correctly but this poem expresses somewhat how I feel. Henry is always in my heart and a part of everything although he isn't here with me physically.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-11583397024110091612009-12-21T04:55:00.000-08:002009-12-21T05:00:14.171-08:00ChristmasDecember has been a rough month- lots of friends and aquantainces having babies and Henry's due date coming and going. Now we are heading to Christmas, our first one without Henry. We have mixed emotions- trying to be celebratory of the holidays for Jack but just feeling sad without Henry. We made it through his due date and really, I am happy to not have it hanging over our heads anymore. It was a very sad day but we made the most of it, Carl worked from home and then we took Jack out for dinner and did a cheers for Henry. Jack loves doing cheers so it was a nice remembrance for him to be a part of. Our OB called last week to see how we were doing, I really am impressed with that practice. I loved them with Jack and with everything that happened with Henry, they have been so kind. I am getting over strep throat and I think we all have a cold now or at least lingerings from past colds. 2009 is a year that I could happily erase so we are looking forward to a fresh start in 2010.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-5183513098725000162009-11-22T20:20:00.000-08:002009-11-22T20:31:17.938-08:00Missing HenryI am missing Henry so much. I don't even know if I can express in words the heartache and pain that I feel without him in my life right now. When I first lost him, I thought I would never miss him more than at that time, but I do. I miss him now every minute of every day as I have since I lost him. I think it is even harder with my due date approaching. Last Friday I would have been 36 weeks pregnant and I keep thinking, if I would have made it that far, I would still have Henry and most likely he would have survived and still been with us. <br /><br />I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving as it will be the first of many holidays that I will spend without my little boy. I wish I could fast forward to the end of the year and be done with all the holidays. It seems as though everyone else has moved on with their lives and some friendships and relationships have changed in good and bad ways since this horrible thing happened to us. We have been to see a grief counselor who specializes in infant loss and it helps. I just get stuck on the fact that we still have friends who haven't even acknowledged what happened or call us less than before or just don't seem to care. Every day I realize how blessed I am to have such a wonderful spouse who is my best friend and counterpart and a fantastic son who brightens my day as much as anyone can. <br /><br />A disproportionate amount of people I know are due on my due date or the day before or after- 3 people in my mom's group have my exact same due date, 2 mom's at Jack's parks class have the same due date, 2 of our friends have very close due dates and it just seems like too much. I hope that 2010 will be a fresh start for us and I can begin to move on from this better. The holidays are something I have always enjoyed and this year I just wish I could fast forward. Sorry this isn't more chipper, I am not feeling that way very often these days. I feel more like I wear a mask of how I act when I am certain places and then take it off when I am home alone with Carl after Jack goes to bed. Thank God for him and his support or I don't know where I would be.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-45478445763088600432009-11-02T17:10:00.001-08:002009-11-02T17:15:09.055-08:00Two MonthsOur second month without Henry came and went with some improvements but still mostly just sad about missing him and his life. We think and talk about him often and just miss him so much. We had the opportunity to meet with a great counselor who specializes in infant loss and we both left the appointment feeling happy that we went. It was hard reliving those 24 weeks but we were able to talk about some feelings that resulted from it, some thoughts on how others reacted to everything that happened and the choices that we made. I look at Henry's pictures everyday and think about him. Everywhere I go, it seems like there are people due on my due date for Henry. In my mom's group there are three people I know of due within a couple of days when Henry should have been born. Carl has several friends (and they are my friends too) that are due in December. Two mom's in Jack's tumbling class are due then. It just seems like everyone I see or talk to is having a baby in December and I am not. We are doing what we can to get through this and sometimes it is an hour, a day or a week at a time and very little time passes that we don't think of and miss our sweet boy, Henry. This has been a very hard year for us and I am looking forward to 2010 to try and start (somewhat) anew.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-87691760500450672502009-09-27T17:28:00.000-07:002009-09-27T17:58:44.643-07:00One month<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI5BqdAAbPSUXi8n0-71FnWUkdqDHn6joaUMVuCeRHMr1iJOoqaQFozYDFs7eEQGBSi4V3BfepZhWciYPkShNRaEUn1FjUm8rj5lLd-fwU2R35DvIF1_w2RAMWTXohyMY4CYY7QByfYVo/s1600-h/Henry+Angel+Pics.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386311453843738354" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI5BqdAAbPSUXi8n0-71FnWUkdqDHn6joaUMVuCeRHMr1iJOoqaQFozYDFs7eEQGBSi4V3BfepZhWciYPkShNRaEUn1FjUm8rj5lLd-fwU2R35DvIF1_w2RAMWTXohyMY4CYY7QByfYVo/s320/Henry+Angel+Pics.jpg" /></a> <div align="center">Tomorrow is one month since we have been without Henry. I think of him so often and really am happy to have his pictures and other special momentos. This weekend, Jack stayed with his Auntie Joyce and Carl and I had a nice, relaxing weekend together. We took a cooking class which was a lot of fun. The big accomplishment that I feel good about over the weekend is that I put Henry's ashes into my pendant and I just feel good having that done and wearing it. This picture is the same picture that is below from the hospital, however, there is a non-profit organization called Angel Pics that touches up pictures of infants lost during or after birth. They removed the bruising so you can see Henry's face and features better. Again, I am grateful that this is available since I look at these often. I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and a lot of stuff reminds me of Henry. Carl and I both sing the song You Are My Sunshine to Jack and I never knew the second verse until Carl got the song for his Ukelele class. After reading it, I think it is a good description of how I feel when I think about Henry. For those who don't know it (I didn't!), the words are: </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">The other night dear as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and I cried. </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">I feel this way about Henry sometimes, like I dreamed everything. My sadness is especially bad when I wake up and go to sleep as I tend to think about things more then. Otherwise, the days have been improving though. My headaches are better, I am sleeping a little better and we will never forget or stop thinking about Henry but now there are a lot more times that I can think about him in happy ways and be grateful for the time I had with him, while still missing him. </div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-46565436216931740122009-09-18T12:33:00.000-07:002009-09-18T17:14:30.770-07:00Pictures of Henry<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYvXT8aH-xLydl_a0bUxYBNBa8vitIlMr717nuEkhvlx7noTx9gZyHuvKsSraJLN2tgNLHOE_PIN_82zsNNyU_0s7yzHChtalcG8cH8JqoQDVzvsIZEaPG6ksy9KjX6ypLYJJf419IYio/s1600-h/hpqscan0003.jpg"></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-z69yCHjS_mDLlV9pb8ANd-3uiLEmUkgzygcLSWQZWZdgI36uAI1_OWKT9PleZ_IzN8yZZcFG-ehRNvD4W0JT9c3b4STfpPg9yKSaaYMr8H6hgSm1GLl1GXLH7NT_OiVeqdcMEfzBGVM/s1600-h/hpqscan0002.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5382893955469570514" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-z69yCHjS_mDLlV9pb8ANd-3uiLEmUkgzygcLSWQZWZdgI36uAI1_OWKT9PleZ_IzN8yZZcFG-ehRNvD4W0JT9c3b4STfpPg9yKSaaYMr8H6hgSm1GLl1GXLH7NT_OiVeqdcMEfzBGVM/s320/hpqscan0002.jpg" /></a><br /><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR3DBPKrcJAlmGpnBwev1ReWIvQP9Nhvockq8dsiUxa_yEHaH4BOuAA6koF6XkazetIDBo76dN1-PckUh2dk9WDtQVBrc-8-wRH0J-yt2EaqGacZZViqUpLNiCOFkdMtH_89ezJgIOxP0/s1600-h/hpqscan0001.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5382893944798351522" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR3DBPKrcJAlmGpnBwev1ReWIvQP9Nhvockq8dsiUxa_yEHaH4BOuAA6koF6XkazetIDBo76dN1-PckUh2dk9WDtQVBrc-8-wRH0J-yt2EaqGacZZViqUpLNiCOFkdMtH_89ezJgIOxP0/s320/hpqscan0001.jpg" /></a> <div>These are the pictures taken at the hospital. They had a professional photographer come in to take the pictures. This is something they offer to all parents who lose a child during delivery, which was such a great thing. I am so happy to have them. Henry had some bruising because the delivery was hard since he delivered breech. You can't see it as much in the black and white pictures but I wanted to explain why he may look a little bruised. These pictures are a comfort to us and we as so happy that we finally got them. I don't know if you can tell from the pictures but we think that Henry looked quite a bit like Jack when he was born.</div></div></div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4581782655266548605.post-3920742335975504512009-09-15T20:23:00.000-07:002009-09-18T14:00:39.909-07:00Our StoryWe found out we were pregnant with Henry on Easter Weekend 2009. It was a surprise and we couldn't believe we were going to be having another baby around Christmas. The first eight weeks of the pregnancy were great and I felt much better than I did with Jack but then the next eight weeks (from 8 weeks until about 16 weeks) were pretty bad. I had awful morning sickness and just felt exhausted all the time. It was hard and Carl had to pick up a lot of the slack- doing dishes, laundry, taking Jack out when he got home from work. It was really hard.<br /><br />Finally I started to feel better....for about a week. Then I got an awful chest cold and felt even worse than I had with the morning/noon/night sickness. Right after this is when I started spotting. At first, it was minimal and didn't seem worrisome. The doctor's checked me out several times when I went in concerned about it and they found nothing. At our 20 week ultrasound, everything looked fine. No soft markers for anything, measurements were good and we found out we were having another boy- we were thrilled!<br /><br />Even though the bleeding continued, we were hopeful. It started getting really bad and I would have episodes of bad bleeding for several hours. On Thursday, August 13th, we went to the hospital in the evening because I was having pain. Up until this point, the doctors has specultated that the bleeding was from a tear in the placenta or the placenta starting to seperate but there was no for sure diagnosis. I had been on pelvic rest for awhile and then modified bedrest so I wasn't doing much at this point anyways. When we got to the hospital, our doctor was the on-call OB so she came in and did an ultrasound. They told us that the fluid surrounding Henry was very low so either my water had broken or it was due to him not getting enough of what he needed from the placenta. They also saw for the first time what they thought was a bloodclot. The news was bad and we were told we should terminate the pregnancy pending further tests to ensure their thoughts were right. We could either be induced and deliver Henry or have a procedure called a D&E. At that point, we were devastated but held out hope that our ultrasound the next day would come back okay and maybe it was the machine or the person doing it at the hospital. Unfortunately we got the same results the next day and talked to two different doctors who also thought we should terminate the pregnancy. When we found out that my risk in continuing on with the pregnancy was not super high, we decided to carry Henry as long as God would allow and hope that even with a minimal chance that we might be granted a miracle. The chance of Henry being viable or even making it far enough to be viable was very slim and with the placental issue (that they determined was from the blood clot) his chances were minimal that even if he would make it, he would most likely have severe disabilities. During the next two weeks my bleeding got a lot worse at which point I had to stay at the hospital. We ended up having three seperate transfusions to try and keep my blood counts up but it kept falling. On Thursday, August 27th, I had severe bleeding at then began having contractions. We knew that the next big bleed would probably lead to labor and it did. We still had hope for Henry and were just praying that God's will would be done but that maybe he would give us a miracle. We had made it to 24 weeks which was a milestone because at that point, babies have a better chance of survival. We had talked to our doctors, the high risk specialists and the neonatologists and had a plan in place after thinking about and making many hard decisions but we felt that what we decided gave Henry the best chance of survival.<br /><br />I labored through the night and got an epidural at 6 cm. With Henry being so small they weren't sure how far I would have to dilate for him to be delivered but since he was breech it made it a harder delivery for both of us. Around 8 a.m. on Friday I felt a huge pressure and knew that Henry was coming. The nurse ran to get the doctors and it happened really quick from that point on. Henry was born at 8:10 a.m. and was stillborn. I asked the doctor right away if he was okay and she told me no. We were overwhelmed with sadness but found some relief in finally knowing what the end of the story was. After we delivered the placenta, the doctor told me that the blood clot had been at least twice as big as the placenta itsself and that I had lost several liters of blood.<br /><br />After we finished the delivery, our nurse cleaned up Henry and dressed him and we were able to stay with him and hold him for as long as we wanted. We held him and told him how much we loved him and our parents got to hold him and spend time with him too. We cried a lot and it really set in at this time that it was over and we would not get to have Henry in our lives here. It was by far the most sadness we have ever felt. Our pastor came to the hospital and we did a naming ceremony for Henry and said prayers for him together with our parents. After we spent as much time as we wanted him, we were moved to another room on the postpartum floor. After being up all night, we were very tired and rested as much as we could. I had to have the final transfusion on the day we left the hospital as my blood counts were extremely low but they did it and let us leave the same day since we were very anxious to get home to Jack.<br /><br />We chose to have Henry's body cremated so we now have his ashes here with us. We have some other reminders as well, including some pictures we took and some professional pictures from the hospital. Being home with Jack helps to ease a lot of the sadness but every day has ups and down. Our parents were here and helped us out immensely through everything. The just left recently and we are learning how to get back to our "normal" life with just the three of us.<br /><br />We know a lot of people are thinking of us and wondering how we are doing so that is why we decided to do this blog. It's an easy way to keep everyone up to date on what is going on and what we went through and if it helps someone else in the process, even better. We know there are going to be good and bad days and we know that there are some hard days coming up- the monthly anniversary of Henry's birth, his due date, the holidays and just days when something reminds us of our little Henry. We miss him everyday and think of him constantly.<br /><br />We saw my OB two weeks after I delivered Henry and my health is fine- still anemic but taking vitamins and Iron. I have had headaches from the anemia but they seem to be improving. After getting the pathology report back from the placenta they are for sure that the blood clot caused a massive abruption which is why everything happened how it did. A normal abruption (how much of the placenta is seperated from the uterus prior to delivery) is around 20% and mine came back as a 90% abruption. If we choose to try for another pregnancy down the road this won't have any bearing on whether or not it would happen again. My chances would be the same as anyone else getting pregnant of having it. The chances of a plancental abruption are low to begin with, less than 1% so hopefully we will never have to go through this again.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04254438330501468000noreply@blogger.com5