Neglect

My poor blogs have been very neglected. Not because I don't think about Henry or this blog, sometimes I just can't find the strength or the gumption to do it. It makes me reflect and put it out there and sometimes it just takes too much out of me. However, I thought about it this morning and felt up to it. I left off in July and much has happened since then. In August, on the date that Henry was born, we had a wonderful, special celebration of his life. My parents came to Chicago and we went out to brunch and then went to Lake Michigan and had a balloon release. It was so special and nice. It wa s a beautiful, sunny day and we could see the balloons for such a long time until they were a speck in the sky and disappeared. They went right out over the lake and kept going so far and just looked amazing over the lake and perfect blue sky backdrop. It made me feel good to honor Henry this way and have the people I loved there with me. Of course we got lots of phone calls and emails that day and that made it special too. That day will always be so special to me and now I am starting to try and think of not just how sad I feel about Henry but how lucky I was to have him in my life for the short time that we did. I miss him so much and would change the outcome if I could but I can't and the fact that we had him as long as we did and I was able to deliver him is something I am grateful for. I sent little thoughts up to him all the time and talk to Jack about him and know that he is looking over Jack and this new baby that I am carrying, our little guardian angel. I am attaching some pictures from Henry's birthday.

Upcoming momentous dates....

Carl and I have both been feeling very sad about Henry lately. Last year, when I still had Henry, this was one of the last good weekends before all the bad started happening....At the end of this month we found out he was a little boy and then at the end of August, he was born and we lost him. I know we will get through these hard days but we think of him often and relive all that we went through and the short time that we had with him. We are always thinking of him and missing him, our second little boy that we don't have here with us but in spirit. Jack helps to ease the pain with his wonderful little self and keeps our days full of his precious laughter.

Six months

We made it past the six months mark, which means that now we have been without Henry for longer than we had him. I was dreading that point but like all the "bad" reminders, it has come and gone. Henry is still very much missed and thought about every day. We just took a family trip to Florida and I kept thinking about where he would fit in the mix with Jack and his cousins. There are a lot of "bad" reminders coming up- when I got pregnant with Henry in March, when I found out I was pregnant with him in April and then all of the other milestones. It's still hard for me to understand why I can't have him and why he can't be a part of our lives here on earth. I know God has a reason but that doesn't make me any less sad. I came across a poem that I loved in college (I think Kara may have introduced it to me) and it reminds me of Henry. You may have heard it before:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart and i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Granted e.e. cummings wasn't known for punctuation or capitalizing correctly but this poem expresses somewhat how I feel. Henry is always in my heart and a part of everything although he isn't here with me physically.

Christmas

December has been a rough month- lots of friends and aquantainces having babies and Henry's due date coming and going. Now we are heading to Christmas, our first one without Henry. We have mixed emotions- trying to be celebratory of the holidays for Jack but just feeling sad without Henry. We made it through his due date and really, I am happy to not have it hanging over our heads anymore. It was a very sad day but we made the most of it, Carl worked from home and then we took Jack out for dinner and did a cheers for Henry. Jack loves doing cheers so it was a nice remembrance for him to be a part of. Our OB called last week to see how we were doing, I really am impressed with that practice. I loved them with Jack and with everything that happened with Henry, they have been so kind. I am getting over strep throat and I think we all have a cold now or at least lingerings from past colds. 2009 is a year that I could happily erase so we are looking forward to a fresh start in 2010.

Missing Henry

I am missing Henry so much. I don't even know if I can express in words the heartache and pain that I feel without him in my life right now. When I first lost him, I thought I would never miss him more than at that time, but I do. I miss him now every minute of every day as I have since I lost him. I think it is even harder with my due date approaching. Last Friday I would have been 36 weeks pregnant and I keep thinking, if I would have made it that far, I would still have Henry and most likely he would have survived and still been with us.

I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving as it will be the first of many holidays that I will spend without my little boy. I wish I could fast forward to the end of the year and be done with all the holidays. It seems as though everyone else has moved on with their lives and some friendships and relationships have changed in good and bad ways since this horrible thing happened to us. We have been to see a grief counselor who specializes in infant loss and it helps. I just get stuck on the fact that we still have friends who haven't even acknowledged what happened or call us less than before or just don't seem to care. Every day I realize how blessed I am to have such a wonderful spouse who is my best friend and counterpart and a fantastic son who brightens my day as much as anyone can.

A disproportionate amount of people I know are due on my due date or the day before or after- 3 people in my mom's group have my exact same due date, 2 mom's at Jack's parks class have the same due date, 2 of our friends have very close due dates and it just seems like too much. I hope that 2010 will be a fresh start for us and I can begin to move on from this better. The holidays are something I have always enjoyed and this year I just wish I could fast forward. Sorry this isn't more chipper, I am not feeling that way very often these days. I feel more like I wear a mask of how I act when I am certain places and then take it off when I am home alone with Carl after Jack goes to bed. Thank God for him and his support or I don't know where I would be.

Two Months

Our second month without Henry came and went with some improvements but still mostly just sad about missing him and his life. We think and talk about him often and just miss him so much. We had the opportunity to meet with a great counselor who specializes in infant loss and we both left the appointment feeling happy that we went. It was hard reliving those 24 weeks but we were able to talk about some feelings that resulted from it, some thoughts on how others reacted to everything that happened and the choices that we made. I look at Henry's pictures everyday and think about him. Everywhere I go, it seems like there are people due on my due date for Henry. In my mom's group there are three people I know of due within a couple of days when Henry should have been born. Carl has several friends (and they are my friends too) that are due in December. Two mom's in Jack's tumbling class are due then. It just seems like everyone I see or talk to is having a baby in December and I am not. We are doing what we can to get through this and sometimes it is an hour, a day or a week at a time and very little time passes that we don't think of and miss our sweet boy, Henry. This has been a very hard year for us and I am looking forward to 2010 to try and start (somewhat) anew.

One month

Tomorrow is one month since we have been without Henry. I think of him so often and really am happy to have his pictures and other special momentos. This weekend, Jack stayed with his Auntie Joyce and Carl and I had a nice, relaxing weekend together. We took a cooking class which was a lot of fun. The big accomplishment that I feel good about over the weekend is that I put Henry's ashes into my pendant and I just feel good having that done and wearing it. This picture is the same picture that is below from the hospital, however, there is a non-profit organization called Angel Pics that touches up pictures of infants lost during or after birth. They removed the bruising so you can see Henry's face and features better. Again, I am grateful that this is available since I look at these often. I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and a lot of stuff reminds me of Henry. Carl and I both sing the song You Are My Sunshine to Jack and I never knew the second verse until Carl got the song for his Ukelele class. After reading it, I think it is a good description of how I feel when I think about Henry. For those who don't know it (I didn't!), the words are:

The other night dear as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and I cried.

I feel this way about Henry sometimes, like I dreamed everything. My sadness is especially bad when I wake up and go to sleep as I tend to think about things more then. Otherwise, the days have been improving though. My headaches are better, I am sleeping a little better and we will never forget or stop thinking about Henry but now there are a lot more times that I can think about him in happy ways and be grateful for the time I had with him, while still missing him.