Time passing...

How does time go so fast? It seems like just yesterday Matthew was born and now his first birthday has come and gone.

I have been thinking about Henry a lot lately because his birthday is approaching and I had a dream about him the other night. I always want to dream about him but it rarely happens. In my dream, I thought he was Jack but when I work up, I realized it was Henry. He was with my Granny and I just felt sad the entire day after I had the dream. That is the hardest part...I want to dream about both of them but it can set the tone for my days if it's a sad dream or if I wake up missing them. I wonder all the time how Henry would fit in our family, what he would look like, how he would play with Jack, if he would be nice to Matthew....all these things that I don't know but wish I did.

Matthew has no idea that Henry even existed yet, although Jack does and we talk about him and include him in our prayers each night. I wonder growing up what Henry will mean to them or when they will fully understand.. I do find so much peace and comfort in helping others who have gone through a similar loss.  Two of my three Grieve Out Loud penpals have now had rainbow babies and it brings joy to hear about them.

While talking to a friend yesterday, she told me about her friend who lost a baby to SIDS and then lost a second baby to a lung problem when they couldn't get a transplant. It's so hard to understand why these things happen and to imagine going through something like losing a child twice and having no baby or toddler to hold at night and be grateful for. When I hear these stories, happy and sad, I just hold my kids tighter and try to be appreciative of every moment, even when they are trying to drive me insane.

After my Gran passed away, I just kept thinking that I felt like my heart was finally healing from losing Henry and then to have it shattered again with her loss. Even though it has been almost three years since we lost our sweet Henry, there are still days where I have to pull myself together and push through down days or sad days. This is my new normal and I think anyone who has suffered a loss will understand how this feels.  Thankfully my boys are good at taking my mind of this and that brightens most days (or at least keeps me from dwelling with their craziness!).

Matthew's First Birthday

Matthew (our little rainbow) is almost one year old...it's crazy how fast this year has gone.  He is a typical 11-month old- he loves "cruising", throwing food, playing with his big brother and giving kisses with a wet, wide-open mouth.  As always, when we reach any milestone, my thoughts drift back to Henry. What kind of a baby or toddler would he have been. Would he have loved Jack just as much as Matthew does and looked at him like he was the most amazing thing in the world? He would be in the midst of his terrible twos right now and I'm sure it would be driving me crazy. Henry is this part of my life that some people don't even know about it. It's odd to think that something so major in my life is unknown to some people I've met and become friends with since it all happened.  I can't imagine how hectic my life would be with three little boys or if Matthew would even be here if Henry was. It's hard to wrap my head around sometimes and even though I daydream of three little boys running around and driving me insane, my reality is the two boys I can hold in my arms each night and kiss them and tickle them before bedtime. Their laughter and smiles and kisses and hugs get me through many days and I am thankful for that every minute of every day.

Mother's Day

At the zoo with my boys on Mother's Day

Mother's Day is always a hard day for me. I am so in love with being a mom but for some reason, on that day, no matter how happy I am or how enjoyable the day is, my focus is on Henry and how much I miss him and where he would fit in the mix of our family.  This year was a double-whammy because I was also missing my beloved Gran so much. I find comfort in them being together but selfishly, I wish they were both still here with me.  I am so proud and happy that Henry has touched many lives and his little life has given me (and our family) the opportunity to meet people and help people that I wouldn't have otherwise. Our team raised $2400 for the March of Dimes this year and I know that it will help so many families in our situation or in happier situations where the baby gets to go home in the arms of his or her parents.  Mother's Day also makes me feel sad for women who want children but have been unable to have them or the moms out there aching for another child and it is not happening. Henry has been on my mind so much this week and I just miss him every day.

March of Dimes Walk

The March of Dimes walk is approaching and as hard as it can be sometimes, this event really makes me thankful for what I have and what we are able to do to help others. We will be walking again this year to honor and remember Henry and support this wonderful organization. This will be our third year walking and each year, the dynamic and feelings change and it has really become a part of our life that is kind of set. In January, I look up the date and put it on our annual calendar and plan around it for the rest of the year. The first year we walked, it was rainy and dreary and cold. Which was exactly how I felt inside, just 8 months after losing Henry and having gone through another miscarriage just the week before the walk. We didn't even walk the entire way and jumped on the train and went home, but I was glad we did it. Last year, we were joined by close friends and it was an amazing experience. I am actually looking forward to the walk this year and feel good that we can help premature babies and others going through what we went through. It has been therapeutic for us in the last few years since losing Henry and I love that each year, new friends join us and contribute to help make our team honoring Henry a success. Check out our March for Babies page to see more information and join our team or make a donation!

Rainbows

There is a term for babies born after the loss of a baby or child in the babyloss community and that is Rainbow Baby. I heard the perfect explanation of this recently and thought, that is what it means. Here it is and to give credit where it is due, this is from Pregnancy After Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss on Facebook:

‎"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I have really found this to be true with Matthew. He fills my heart with so much joy and love (as does Jack) but I still miss my Henry. When people ask me how many children I have, in my head I saw three but out loud I say two because I don't want to tell complete strangers my story. Both of my boys bring so much light to my life and keep away the clouds most of the time but not a day goes by that I don't think of my sweet Henry and picture him right in the mix of my boys as they are playing or eating or learning something new. My Gran recently passed in November of 2011 and we were very close. I find comfort in her holding Henry in her sweet arms like she has my other two boys here on earth. She is the only person who knows Henry alive and feels him moving like I did and I miss them both so much everyday.

Questions from Jack

I don't know why (perhaps being snowed in due to a blizzard that dumped 21 inches of snow on us) but Jack has been asking more questions about Henry this last week. It has been very emotional for me and even though we talk about Henry openly and have pictures, I am still not sure that Jack fully understands it all or even exactly who Henry was. He asked me recently, "where does Henry live?" like maybe he was around somewhere but we just never saw him like his cousins who live in another state that we don't see all the time. That led to a lot more questions and eventually I think he kind of understood that Henry is in Heaven with Jesus and he also lives in our hearts. But then, even after we talk about it for a couple days, he will say something like, "but who is Henry?" like trying to figure out the relationship again. Then he will spring something almost too emotional for me to handle like out of the blue telling me that Henry lives in his heart. It's been sad but in a way I am glad he is asking these questions and wanting to know and remember Henry because I always want Henry to be a part of our family.

I am now 22 weeks with my current pregnancy and think about Henry a lot, many times a day. I compare it a lot too, like where I am today to where I was this time with Henry. It's a scary time for me because I am close to the point that I lost Henry (24 weeks) and I dwell on all of it a lot and think about this baby even though things are very different this time around. At 22 weeks with Henry, I lost my amniotic fluid and we were adviced to terminate and it was just a heartbreaking moment when for the first time, I realized I would most likely not go very much further with him in our lives here on earth. I asked my dr. to check my fluid on friday with this baby and there is a lot and it all looks good, just the opposite. So, getting through these times has been difficult but hopefully each day and week gets us closer to being able to hold this little boy in our arms.

Neglect

My poor blogs have been very neglected. Not because I don't think about Henry or this blog, sometimes I just can't find the strength or the gumption to do it. It makes me reflect and put it out there and sometimes it just takes too much out of me. However, I thought about it this morning and felt up to it. I left off in July and much has happened since then. In August, on the date that Henry was born, we had a wonderful, special celebration of his life. My parents came to Chicago and we went out to brunch and then went to Lake Michigan and had a balloon release. It was so special and nice. It wa s a beautiful, sunny day and we could see the balloons for such a long time until they were a speck in the sky and disappeared. They went right out over the lake and kept going so far and just looked amazing over the lake and perfect blue sky backdrop. It made me feel good to honor Henry this way and have the people I loved there with me. Of course we got lots of phone calls and emails that day and that made it special too. That day will always be so special to me and now I am starting to try and think of not just how sad I feel about Henry but how lucky I was to have him in my life for the short time that we did. I miss him so much and would change the outcome if I could but I can't and the fact that we had him as long as we did and I was able to deliver him is something I am grateful for. I sent little thoughts up to him all the time and talk to Jack about him and know that he is looking over Jack and this new baby that I am carrying, our little guardian angel. I am attaching some pictures from Henry's birthday.